To 10 Uncanniest Valley moments

They can do dragons, they can do apes, but them CGI animators sure can't do people:

1) Clu, Tron Legacy
2) Grand Moff Tarkin & Princess Leia, Rogue One
3) Alita, Battle Angel Alita (Not released yet but the trailer's already given me nightmares.)
3) The Dark Seekers, I Am Legend
4) Xavier and Magneto flashback, X-Men The Last Stand
5) Dain, The Hobbit 3
6) Steppenwolf, Justice League
7) Superman, Justice League

8) The Scorpion King, The Mummy Returns

9) Renesmee, Twilight
10) Cher, Burlesque

Pitch for the next Transformers film

Remake of Titanic, but the boat is an Autobot and the iceberg is a Decepticon.

(Note - I had no idea at the time of writing that the transforming Titanic-robot was actually a thing.)

The neutering of the raptors in the Jurassic series

Films 1 & 2: Killing machines
Film 3: Concerned parents
Film 4: Dogs

How to make a Terminator film

You will need the following ingredients:

1. Guns'n'Roses
2. "I'll be back."
3. "Hasta la vista Baby."
4. "Come with me if you want to live."
5. Skynet
6. The Resistance
7. Sarah Connor
8. John Connor
9. Arnold Schwarzenneger with half his face missing
10. Gloopy liquid metal guy making bits of himself stick out of other people's bodies
11. Time travel

Throw these together in no particular order and bang, you're done!

Blade Runner 2049

Android passes the Turing test by getting knocked up and abandoned by her boyfriend.

The casting of Jessie Eisenberg as Lex Luthor

"Who shall I cast as Lex Luthor in Batman vs Superman vs Doomsday vs Wonder Woman + Justice League Part 0?" Zack Snyder asked himself, chewing his gum thoughtfully.
He sat and pondered this for a while.
"I know!" he cried. "What did Christopher Nolan do when he cast the Joker for the Dark Knight? He got the most leftfield, against-type actor available, defied fan expectations and got him to give a performance that was twitchy and psychotic and loaded with mannerisms. And that worked out really well! I'll do that!"

Why haven't there been more H. P. Lovecraft adaptations?

I want a film about cosmic vomit monsters and I want it now!

Alien Covenant

Letter from Ridley Scott to Alien fans:

Dear Alien fans,

I would like to extend my humble apologies for Prometheus. I realise now that what you wanted was a proper gory Alien film instead of all the Erich Von Daniken nonsense that you got, so please accept this new film by way of compensation for your wasted time. I have killed off Noomi Rapace and the Engineers and turned Michael Fassbender into a full-on homicidal killbot, and have also reintroduced the xenomorph into the series along with buckets of blood and copious scenes of erupting human viscera. Unfortunately I couldn't think of any way to get Ellen Ripley into the script so I inserted a very similar crop-haired heroine with giant gun and grimy vest instead. I hope this is more to your satisfaction.

Please stop sending me hate mail,

Love,

Ridley

Blade Runner

"Do you like our owl?"

"Is it artificial?"

"Of course it is."

2001 A Space Odyssey

What happened to the Star Child afterwards?

The Dark Tower

How to adapt a bestselling series of books:

1) Adapt book 1
2) Adapt book 2
3) Adapt book 3
4) Repeat to the end of the series

How not to adapt a bestselling series of books:

1) Squish the entire series together like an accordion
2) Scoop out everything in the middle
3) Put all the best bits back into the story in the form of in-jokes and "Easter eggs" that whizz by so fast the viewer barely has time to register them
4) Change the costume, personality and motivation of the main character

Justice League

Batman = Badass
Batman + Justice League = Loser with no superpowers

You can't make a realistic superhero movie

Matthew Vaughan tried it with Kick-ass. His character starts off as an unremarkable kid in a ski suit who beats up bullies and becomes a YouTube star. Then he teams up with a purple-haired samurai and gets a rocket pack.

Christopher Nolan tried it with the Dark Knight trilogy. His Bruce Wayne clocks in a year of service as Batman before injuring his leg and retiring. Then halfway through the third movie he forgets all about his injured leg and makes a super jump out of an inescapable prison.

If these guys can't do it, it just can't be done!

The Trouble With Prequels

The pros:

• Bringing back dead characters
• Squeezing more money out of a franchise that has reached a natural end point

The cons:

• Actors don't age backwards
• Technology doesn't develop backwards
• People usually remember friends they've spent prolonged periods with when they were younger unless you play the "amnesia" card
• Contrivance is allowed to happen more in fictional worlds than the real one, but only up to a point